Someone wrote the following article after having in the relationship for a while; but the guy was not ready to pursue any further. She wanted to help him and give this relationship another chance, but he just did not have the courage to go through it….

            She felt hopeless, rejected and confused.

      This is what she wrote (in green text), namely “Understanding Men Deeply” - Dun fuck care about my relationship status.

 

*******
            Being a woman and after socialising and knowing enough different levels of men, I come to understand, lust and intimacy is something men may receive them not from their life partners within their marriage. I have seen examples where men get these outside the marriage. Harsh facts, isn’t it? These beastful men make me grow stronger on my mental preparation. I deal relationships openly, to an extend, with the half open eye I can put myself into, though, of course, who do not desire the most perfect love as a happy ending story?

            Desiring for the perfect love is never easy many a time, Sg couples are framed into a constrained mindsets- to rush through relationships, or  have ‘no time left’ as a reason so to give up a standing relationship fast to move on to better players.

             In a SAP course LFI puts me through, there is this game called “Hee-Saw”.

            All participants are supposed to saw a big block wood imaginatively. Without notice, we did it for 4 hrs to get it saw into 2 pcs. This teaches me a life application. How many of us has tried very hard to get to one objective? From then on, I have impactfully learnt to put in my efforts to saw off all habits or negative issues to resolve 1 problem, whether the ending be it for my relationship, or for life issue, I have utmostly do my very best. However, I really thank myself for being open enough to know enough people, of different levels, to engage into the experiences of goods and bads  to allow me to see things clearer so as to have better approaches to settle issues.

            As what my guys have told me, “End of the day, Kat, u will not be a losing party, U win on a draw within the whole game.” But, I hate myself to grow up faster n more in-depth, be it you shall call this intellectual intelligence, or life experience.

 *****

My five cents worth:

·         “ …lust and intimacy is something men may receive them not from their life partners within their marriage…”

          With respect to the writer’s observation, I would like to urge the writer to look beyond the symptoms and go deeper into the matter to find out the reasons why the men are behaving that way. In the following, I will also attempt to offer my own perspective on this issue.

          One core question which we have to ask ourselves or perhaps the men is that is it that the men want variety and freshness in the relationship, or the couple has lost the sensuality toward each other after marriage, or something else?

          Lust and intimacy are two different matters. One is animal instinct to satisfy oneself; the other is about sensuality.

          Sensuality is about having the sensory desires of being closed to each other. It is not sexual-centric. It generates immense chemistry that wakes up our 5 sensors in the exploration journey. Some may just lost in the sea of orgasms without sexual intercourse. It is different from lust. Intimacy requires two hands to clap.

          One of the common obstacles to intimacy is being too possessive in the relationship. If one of the partners is possessive by nature, and has an extreme desire to own his/her partner will inevitably generate a side effect called jealousy according to the law of Precession. This side effect will slowly erode and weaken one’s personality, like the virus spreading in our system. Over time, we will eventually lost our sensual appeals and attractions.

          Are we to blame on having the idea of possessiveness?

          My opinion is that we are not entirely to blame for having this idea. We were constantly and subtly intoxicated by the idea of ‘possessiveness’ in our society; ideas such as mine or yours; Contracts and agreements; trademarks and Rights; Certificate of marriage, are the products of Law and Ownership. To have the concept of ownership is good. Ownership generates responsibility. But if we carry it too far, we will start having the attitude of mine and yours. If this is left uncheck, it will create tension and eventually lead to failure in relationship.

          The other by-products of possessiveness is “taking things for granted”. More often than not, we will tend to take things for granted once we possess the right for the things. Once that set in, we will lose the curiosity and urge to explore each other intimately in our love making session. A couple usually makes good sensual love before marriage, but may reduce to purely only sexual intercourse after marriage. 

 

·      … These beastful men make me grow stronger on my mental preparation. I deal relationships openly, to an extend, with the half open eye I can put myself into, though, of course, who do not desire the most perfect love as a happy ending story…  “ 

          The writer’s ideal of open mindedness in the relationship is to close one eye. To me this is not being open-minded from the heart. It is a form of denial. This kind of deception will put on the strain on our intimate relationship in a long run. 

          The writer also mentioned about the desire of having a perfect love as a happy ending story. I don’t think anyone can really tell me what is perfect love? Usually the perfect love that we knew is the make-believe story from the Hollywood movies, the Soap opera or the best selling love novels. These are not real; these are made or written for good commercial values.

          As a starter, the best way to experience the feeling of being loved or loving others is to love ourselves. This, not only enables us to experience the feeling of giving and receiving love, it can also enhance our self esteem and our self values.

          The writer also links the perfect marriage with happy ending. Can we have a not so perfect marriage or even a failed marriage but not feeling sad? I believe we can – so long as our happiness is not entirely dependant upon external factors, but within ourselves.

 

·         “… Desiring for the perfect love is never easy many a time, Sg couples are framed into a constrained mindsets- to rush through relationships, or  have ‘no time left’ as a reason so to give up a standing relationship fast to move on to better players... “

          Is this phenomenon only for Singapore Couples?

          If yes, we may want to examine our purpose of getting into the relationship. Is this because a relationship means marriage? A marriage means having grown up kids before our retirement? A marriage means qualifying to buy a HDB Flat? Or marriage means fulfilling our traditional pressure from our parent, friends and relative?

          Usually people feeling the ‘rush’ and have ‘no time’ in the relationship, are the people having a mindset of marriage at the beginning of the relationship. We can’t blame ourselves for this though. We’ve been taught to start with the end in mind.

         The relationship must be a ‘Natural’ process, as in the law of Nature, there is no intended purpose for starting a relationship except to enjoy each other’s companionship, and partnership as we move along our life journey. If the relationship leads to marriage and reproduction later, it will be a natural and logical thing to do in the later part of the relationship.

 

·       “… All participants are supposed to saw a big block wood imaginatively. Without notice, we did it for 4 hrs to get it saw into 2 pcs. This teaches me a life application. How many of us has tried very hard to get to one objective? From then on, I have impactfully learnt to put in my efforts to saw off all habits or negative issues to resolve 1 problem, whether the ending be it for my relationship, or for life issue, I have utmostly do my very best…”

          Good to know that the writer was able to reflect and relate her experiences and apply it onto other part of her life. I only want to highlight a key learning point which she may overlook, which she mentioned

          “…sawing a big block wood, and without notice”…

          If we put our mind to focus on other things like enjoy the team work, having fun, having to know each other better than just narrowly focusing on sawing the block, we will realize that our life journey is actually colorful, meaningful, and full of excitement and enjoyment.

          If we can apply this to our relationship, i.e. we focus on enjoying each other companionship, adding values to each other, and feeling of sensuality together, instead of relationship itself, we will be a lot happier and fruitful in leading to natural marriage and reproduction.  :)

          Lastly as a devil advocate, I would like to ask the writer, is sex the only thing in the marriage? If it is not, when sex is no longer a sensually stimulant in the marriage, or not possible to have sex, is it all right to receive it outside the marriage? 

          Sensual experience is not necessary the act of sexual intercourse; it could be having a good sensual body massage by the opposite sex. Most lady wouldn’t mind for their men going for a good massage by the ladies, but may deprive themselves of having a good sensual massage by a guy… so why the disparity. A good sensual massage is not just good for the body, but also good for the soul and the mind.  :)